Archive: November, 2015

narcissist nightmare boss

How To Cope With Your Nightmare Boss

The Narcissist can often be found employed in a senior role – I was somewhat surprised to learn this as I figured authoritarian leadership had had its day. It’s difficult to say if this personality attribute has specifically helped them along the way to the top. We all possess some narcissism, indeed we all need an element of it in terms of being able to use and display a degree of agency in the world.

“It’s not easy being superior to everyone I know” – anon

What is a Narcissist?

An individual characterised by craving to be the centre of attention constantly, a very extreme form of self-centredness, having grandiose fantasies of one’s achievements and talents and consequently lacking care and concern for others. Like confidence or self esteem, we all need a dash of it, so we’re all somewhere on the spectrum. But a considerable excess results in behavioural challenges for everyone which is even more acute when the narcissist in question is your boss..!

Narcissists typically:

1. Score low on compassion
2. Are terrible listeners because it’s all about them and don’t you forget it.
3. Don’t take kindly to criticism
4. Believe it’s everyone else’s fault so are incapable of saying sorry, my bad, apologies…
5. Manipulate others in order to get whatever they want
You might be able to walk away from this person in your social life, but if the world of work has thrust this dynamic upon you and especially if you have a nightmare boss, then you’re going to have to find a way to cope. How?

How To Deal With a Narcissist Boss

1. Remember you’re not going to be best friends, (although narcissists can be very charming to get what they want) and that the narcissist’s behaviour affects everyone in their orbit – as a consequence nothing they do should not be taken personally

2. Avoid blaming the narcissist too directly for anything. If a workplace issue arises, use a simple open question to frame the problem eg. “So why didn’t we win the pitch?” “What was the main reason?” etc.

3. Use statements like “I feel…” or “When x happens, the impact on me is y…” By articulating the emotional impact on you of a workplace issue, the narcissist is immediately uncomfortable – they have a tendency to avoid opening up emotionally and feel uneasy when those around them do, which is probably connected to deep seated low self-esteem. But whatever you do, don’t point this out to them..!
4. After any work related challenge has been assessed, the narcissist may feel stuck in problem mode. The best way forward is to be positive and present solutions. If a range of potential solutions can be offerd up, so much the better. The narcissist can often get fixated on just the problem, only their place in the team or perhaps only one possible solution. So by offering up a range of possibilities you are gently nudging their inflexible mindset into considering other approaches.
5. Massage their ego whenever there isn’t a better option – dangerous as you further embed their sense of superiority but hey you’re not their therapist, you’re just trying to get through your working day.

Empathy

Narcissists often lack empathy, focus on themselves, struggle with relationships and lack trust in others. A lack therefore of fundamental leadership skills. So as hard as it may be, spare a thought for your nightmare boss – surely it’s not easy being so emotionally disconnected? Your empathy and problem solving could win the day and ensure you don’t lose your head in dealing with it all.
Try this quick personality test to see how you score on the narcissist spectrum http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm
Sartaj Garewal is the founder of Dynamic Presenting – a creative, leadership development consultancy, adapting theatre training to create leadership programs for business.

Dynamic Presenting – Enabling Powerful Communication

choosing habits success

Habits – Choosing Successful Habits for Self Development…

 “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit” Aristotle

Habits are certain embedded patterns of thought or action. Something we replay over and again automatically. They can be conscious or unconscious actions. Procrastination is a particular habit of mine. It took me ages to get my act together to write this blog post today..! 

The advertising industry has long understood how to introduce consumption of products to us via Inculcation – repeated messaging until our subconscious demands we buy anything and everything with Peppa Pig splattered on it – seriously, watch the trance kids go into anytime the famous pig is on TV and the consequent “must buy impulse” triggered when they see related merchandise. For my own part I have managed to make cycling, herbal tea and yoga regular habits. But I’ve also started cracking my knuckles and still get the odd chocolate bar in. Maybe every time we succeed in introducing a positive change we also get a corresponding negative habit to balance things out..?

Established Patterns

“Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into but hard to get out of” Anon

Changing or breaking any habit needs to begin with awareness and identifying these repeated patterns or routines that exist. This can be trickier than it sounds as our ego does its utmost to reject that smoking twenty cigarettes per day is actually an entrenched pattern resulting in self deluded commentary such as “Oh smoking? No that’s not a serious habit for me. Honestly I could give that up easily. No, I need to focus on my habit of never calling people back, it’s terrible.” These are deeply entrenched and defensive positions – it’s taken potentially hundreds, thousands of repetitions to establish the current habit – where we fear being exposed, losing our not so secret crutch and dread our world changing forever. Change however, is the only constant.

Going to the gym regularly, meditating for 15 minutes in the morning…. are all habits too. It’s just that they result in positive and societally approved change. Which is why we desire them but they take commitment and hard work so just one more pint and fag and I’ll catch you up on that hill run..promise..!

Charles Duhigg’s illuminating book How Habits Work http://charlesduhigg.com/how-habits-work/ cites the trigger, routine, reward loop which goes a bit like this:

1. Trigger that kicks things off

2. Routine ie. the habit/behaviour itself

3. Benefit received from the action/behaviour

Changing Behaviours

As this is the way in which habits bcome cemented within us, it is also the way to establish new behaviours. So if the sight of a Crunchie wrapper near a waste bin in the street means we have to get that sugar hit NOW as an immediate Pavlovian response is activated, then similarly we need to consciously introduce different visual triggers into our world – a bowl of cashews next to the fridge, satsumas next to the pc, gym kit ready and waiting next to the door etc. if we are to ever change our ways.

As is well documented sheer willpower alone doesn’t work for most of us. We are magnetically pulled back into our well practiced old behaviours unless we go out of our way to create systems that actively promote the new way of doing things. A self created advertising campaign aimed at just ourselves.

Coaching as a Solution

“All bad habits start slowly and gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you” – Zig Zaglar

Working with a trusted coach can help to identify existing habits, clarify new goals, work out the road map to achieving those goals and crucially provide ongoing support and guidance. Is it any surprise then, that most successful people and many of those in positions of leadership use executive coaches to help them in reaching their goals? Not really.

 

Sartaj Garewal is the founder of Dynamic Presenting – a creative, leadership development consultancy, adapting theatre training to create leadership programs for business.

Dynamic Presenting – Enabling Powerful Communication

 

Resilience for leadership development

Resilience – How to Develop it for Great Leadership…

Resilience is an indispensable leadership quality – but just how do we go about developing it?

Just how does Novak Djokovic go two sets down against Roger Federer at Wimbledon and against all odds still come back to win 3-2..? Is this resilience stuff rare then? Only for elite athletes? I often think that actors could teach most business leaders a thing or two about the nature of resilience – given the staggering amount of rejection that actors have to cope with means they toughen up quick or change profession.

Is resilience something we can improve? If so, how then do we go about developing it?

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger” – Friedrich Nietzsche

The opposite  is to be sunk and diminished by new and ever changing events, often leading to anxiety and depression. A tired slump where we are unable to deal with change and anxiously defend old ways of doing things. Surely such anxiety is born of fear? And we know that fear is associated with ego or to put it another way our inability to let go lightly of whatever we are holding on to.

Adaptability…

When the fuel of adaptability runs out, we are no longer able to bounce back. Resilience is movement, fluid, flowing, motion, energy. It is the opposite of ego, repetition, being stuck, holding on.

Optimism…

A 2011 HBR report found that optimism is absolutely crucial in terms of fostering resilience. https://hbr.org/2011/04/building-resilience

By the way actors are probably the most optimistic folk you’ll ever meet. We are forever, secretly hoping and partly believing that the next agent phone call will be the lead role in that mega budget Spielberg epic, opposite Jennifer Lawrence, filming in dozens of beautiful international locations, a multi million dollar contract which is SO overdue now etc etc. When the agent call actually relates to an audition first thing tomorrow morning for a health & safety training film the actor’s enthusiasm is blunted and a good deal of optimism is extinguished. But within no time that actor has to appraise the situation in as positive a way as possible and understand that the Spielberg epic is just a couple of calls away. And put on a brave face for the training film audition.

Reframing & Mindfulness…

The actor unwittingly uses the experienced mediator’s trick of reframing the situation which helps to take regain a calm perspective. This is a skill that can be learnt and practised where “What..!!! I can’t believe it wasn’t the Spielberg film, what the hell is wrong with everyone, what more do I have to do to get that role…!” transforms into “OK, it’s not the dream job but hey I’ve got an opportunity to get a paid job, if I’m honest I kinda need the camera practice and if I keep working regardless who knows what could happen.”

We can also actively and very consciously develop and practice mindfulness. Focusing on ourselves through meditating, breathing and raising our self awareness promotes growth of resilience too.

Fail, Learn, Fail Again…

Resilience is a natural attribute. If not, we’d have stopped trying to walk, stand, even crawl as babies. It must be that we are born with it – it’s there, hard wired into our DNA and our will to survive.

We need to take the nuggets of learning from events and move on. And guess what, when we move on we’ll experience new obstacles unlike the ones before so we’ll learn afresh… again and again… Knowing this could and should be utterly freeing and liberating depending on our state of mind. Want to be a great leader? Develop your resilience and learn to bend with the breeze.

Sartaj Garewal is the founder of Dynamic Presenting – a creative, leadership development consultancy, adapting theatre training to create leadership programs for business.

Dynamic Presenting – Enabling Powerful Communication